Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   attention Hot Women of Vegas...if you insist on wearing skinny, hot women clothes while visiting, please make sure you are, in fact, a skiiny, hot girl!!!

   Dear ASPCA,Why don't you use the money you spend on airing that same commercial to feed those animals.Yours truly ,Pissed off TV Viewer.

   Win of the day! I got pulled over by a state trooper for doing 65 in a 40. When he asked why I was going so fast I told him " I need a bathroom, I feel like I'm going to sh!t myself." he laughed so hard he let me go! No b.s.

   found out what smoking is good for. Yuppie repellent. I'm now going to invest in a box of cigars.

   A man asked a prostitute, “How much is one round?” The Prostitute replies,"100 on the bed, 50 on the sofa and 20 on the floor. The man gives her 100 and the Prostitute says, 'Wow a classy guy' The man replies, “classy my a$$, I want 5 times on the

   Life is like a big fart........You come into the world, make a big stink, and then you just fade away!....

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.

   It's hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.

   Best Relationship: Talk like best-friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.

   Coffee so bitter it blocked me on Facebook.

   The louder you make a women moan increases your chances of having a sandwich.

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   i just found out that turning off all the lights in my house and pretending I'm blind does nothing for my boredom,so then I tried playing pictionary with my dog and cat but they're so STUPID!!

   Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!

   why cant women love me for who I am! They only see that I'm young, handsome, Good looking, rich and famous, suceessful, independent, sexy as hell, ect.

   Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   Dont sweat the petty things, Pet the sweaty things

   wondering if I get stopped for speeding in a Toyota can I tell the officer I had a "Prius-exisiting condition?"