Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   B**ch please. Don't confuse hate with jealousy.

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.

   Well if he is the Duke of Wellington, I guess they could name him Beef.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   Yo, Australia! Is the apocalypse happening? I need to know if the orgy I'm currently having is validated or if it will just make my husband upset.....

   I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.

   Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...

   Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...

   Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.

   I'll listen to your views on climate change right after you shovel my driveway.

   The FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times. Just an FYI to you killary supporters that think she's so great.

   “When cops come to save your life, they don’t ask if you are black or white, they just come to save you!” -------- Rudy Giuliani

   Fast food protester sign: "Us deserve's mor then minum waig."

   Nice try 3rd grade music teacher,,, I don’t believe for one second that there were two John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts.

   Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".

   Feeling ugly? Go chill in Walmart for 2 hours. You'll feel a lot better.