Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well if he is the Duke of Wellington, I guess they could name him Beef.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   Yo, Australia! Is the apocalypse happening? I need to know if the orgy I'm currently having is validated or if it will just make my husband upset.....

   I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to bang the hell out of her.

   Studies have shown that people who masturbate have longer lives then the people who dont... Guess that means my a$$ is living forever...

   Putting Vodka in my juice because it's Russia somewhere...

   Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.

   I'll listen to your views on climate change right after you shovel my driveway.

   The FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times. Just an FYI to you killary supporters that think she's so great.

   “When cops come to save your life, they don’t ask if you are black or white, they just come to save you!” -------- Rudy Giuliani

   Fast food protester sign: "Us deserve's mor then minum waig."

   Nice try 3rd grade music teacher,,, I don’t believe for one second that there were two John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts.

   Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".

   Feeling ugly? Go chill in Walmart for 2 hours. You'll feel a lot better.

   BREAKING NEWS! Sad story, Justin Bieber's body has been found alive in his NYC apartment. A moment of silence please for the music industry .

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Most of my verbal communication is just burps and grunts.

   At no point in "I love you no matter what you look like" did I insinuate "keep eating pie for breakfast."