Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Most of my verbal communication is just burps and grunts.

   At no point in "I love you no matter what you look like" did I insinuate "keep eating pie for breakfast."

   i don't get why people find drunk texts annoying, you're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly

   What if the Malaysian Plane is in the same place with the G-Spot?

   I'm more P0rnhub than Pinterest.

   "Thank you Caitlin!" --Josh Duggar

   Sober me:"I'll have a salad, please." Drunk me:"I need 3 cheeseburgers, 4 orders of fries, 75 chicken nuggets and 82 sides of ranch."

   And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."

   "Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

   The FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times. Just an FYI to you killary supporters that think she's so great.

   “When cops come to save your life, they don’t ask if you are black or white, they just come to save you!” -------- Rudy Giuliani

   I invented an app that detects your proximity to an obstacle as you walk and text, then takes your pic on impact and posts to Instagram.

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   Schwarzenegger is making yet another Terminator film. I'm not saying he's old, but this time Sarah Connor will be played by Angela Lansbury.

   Well if he is the Duke of Wellington, I guess they could name him Beef.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   The voices in my head couldnt sleep, so I woke up early to keep them company.

   Yo, Australia! Is the apocalypse happening? I need to know if the orgy I'm currently having is validated or if it will just make my husband upset.....