Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

   If you're not living on the edge,you're taking up too much space.

   just realized that you are supposed to urinate on jellyfish stings......not jellyroll stains....sorry fat stranger!!!

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   wants to go the next NHL Winter Classic and sneak onto the ice with a fishing pole and a folding chair. Just for laughs.

   If you have ever done anything foolish that could have caused grievous bodily injury to yourself. . . but didn't, I invite you to press like.

   Time flies when you're having beer.

   If there was such a thing as a tax on brains Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would be due a refund.

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home they're just plain old donuts.

   Pretty nice opinion you got there. It'd be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it

   I'll never understand why men lie about the size of their d*icks... *puts on padded push up bra*

   I read a burglar in Nova Scotia fled a crime scene in a canoe. The only way this could be more Canadian is if he was stopped by a police beaver dam.

   today I am thankful that no female member of my family ever asked Bill Cosby to hold their drink for them.

   Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..

   I will do a lot of things but admitting I'm cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn't one of them...

   Women suck at buying gifts for their man because they spend 95% of their time shopping for themselves.

   I didn't hump anything on Hump Day, but I did throw my back out on Throwback Thursday, so I got to be mildly ironic.