Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just realized that you are supposed to urinate on jellyfish stings......not jellyroll stains....sorry fat stranger!!!

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   wants to go the next NHL Winter Classic and sneak onto the ice with a fishing pole and a folding chair. Just for laughs.

   If you have ever done anything foolish that could have caused grievous bodily injury to yourself. . . but didn't, I invite you to press like.

   Time flies when you're having beer.

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home they're just plain old donuts.

   Pretty nice opinion you got there. It'd be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it

   I'll never understand why men lie about the size of their d*icks... *puts on padded push up bra*

   I read a burglar in Nova Scotia fled a crime scene in a canoe. The only way this could be more Canadian is if he was stopped by a police beaver dam.

   today I am thankful that no female member of my family ever asked Bill Cosby to hold their drink for them.

   Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..

   I will do a lot of things but admitting I'm cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn't one of them...

   Women suck at buying gifts for their man because they spend 95% of their time shopping for themselves.

   I didn't hump anything on Hump Day, but I did throw my back out on Throwback Thursday, so I got to be mildly ironic.

   Some ducks landed on the grounds where I work yesterday. It was interesting to see them practicing teenage girls' faces.

   how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?

   Its 2014, I shouldnt have to rip open my tampon wrapper with my teeth.