Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed, it's probably because you're a failure.

   Instead of an "are you sure you want to delete?" confirmation notice, there should be a "are you sure you want to post this, you frickin idiot?" notice.

   what does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.

   So let me get this straight. There's a War on Women but no War on Terror? Hey guys, little less focus on the labia little more on Libya.

   So there's a t.v. show called, It's Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted

   Those who say sex is not everything are usually not good at it anyways.

   When a politician says, we're all sitting in the same boat, it means he wants to play captain and we shall rowe.

   When a skinny girl always says "I'm fat" do you ever feel like saying you're skinny and you know it but your insecurity is not attractive so a fat girl with confidence makes you look unappealing, so start eating!!

   Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back but when you're with them they always have their phone in their hand texting.

   I must confess...I want to get back with my ex..LOL just kidding! I would rather Sh*t in my hand and clap!!!

   I am probably going to start my Christmas shopping this weekend. I am not sure which place is better, the Dollar Store, or the 99 Cent store.

   Don't you love it when you're ipod is about to fall, and your headphones saves its life.

   That moment of happiness when you find out that everyone hates the same person you hate

   An Irishman walks out of a bar... No, really, he walks out.

   My girlfriend yelled at me yesterday, "That's why we always fight...because you only hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied, "I HAVE been working out."

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James........... Just a headband

   Friends are like trees. They both fall down after being hit multiple times with an ax.

   Am I an a55hole because the cruise ship thing doesn't seem like a big deal? I mean, there's some rocks RIGHT THERE!

   Pat and Vanna were drunk at the wheel

   Most woman's G-Spots are located about two inches inside your wallet.