Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not one to brag, but I deserve a medal. I just rescued a piece of cake that was trapped in the refrigerator.

   O' HAPPY DAYS , first an ice storm followed by a whole month of black history month !

   So hockey is back, now is time for the fans to go on strike

   I tripped while getting on the escalator and fell down the stairs.....for 2 hours.

   An onion just told me a joke. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

   When I was a kid I use to change costumes a few times and revisit houses to get more candy.

   That sense of entitlement, where do I get one of those?

   I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

   Congratulations to all who won in the election and my condolences to all who have lost I wish you all the best in the future. Now please get your damn signs off my street corners. Have a great day.

   if Steve jobs invented the MAC computer, does that make him the original "Mac Daddy"?

   If I ever get a really exotic car I'm going to get a vanity plate that says something like "Bubble King" or "Tuna Money" so people could wonder what the hell I ever did with bubbles or tuna to finance a car like that

   I want that job where you get to push scared skydivers off the plane.

   Are you one of those people that get butt hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your ass off of Facebook.

   ust a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...

   ''What doesn't kill you makes you smaller!'' -ask Super Mario

   I MAY have just clinched Olympic Gold,, by going 5 for 5,,, in my "popping the trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station." routine.

   Well, I'm off to check out the Perseid Meteor Shower...Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get drunk, fall over backwards and try to see Uranus.

   Life is too short to buy a cheap toilet seat. Go ahead, get the good one, your a$$ deserves it.

   The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.

   You won't see my crazy unless I want you to see my crazy. That's how crazy I am.