Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Bill, do you talk to your wife during sex..."Only if there is a phone handy!!"

   Okay. I've noticed you. Now go away.

   When I text someone and they don't text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.

   Sometimes your greatest contribution to mankind is just keeping your mouth shut.

   If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I'd have to pick…My girlfriend.

   Lady, your thighs need a divorce.

   No one has it worse than the duck that's allergic to gluten.

   I just ran like a little b*tch from a skunk in my yard and dropped my man card, if anyone finds it…please return it to me. Thanks.

   A hard-0n doesn't count as personal growth.

   Partying on my level requires years of traning

   Just think,, right now,,, somewhere in China,,, someone is wokking their dog

   The Devil gave me my soul back, something about "Tasting like Vodka" Whatever dude

   I was excited there was a 'The Paperboy' movie until I watched the trailer and found out it wasn't based on the old Nintendo game.

   So I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.

   Whenever God closes a door,, he usually pushes me out of a window..

   During a breakup, women need tissues for tears... men also need tissues, but for a different reason.

   This waitress just told me she was an actress. Based on her horrid impersonation of a waitress, it's not surprising she's still a waitress

   Whenever I meetr somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I am weird.

   I don't hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.

   Name brands really are better... For instance, I just found out that a "Tide pen" will work much better on a stain, then a regular pen.