Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.

   I thinkin,,, People in rubber houses shouldn't throw stones either

   Just when you think your day can't get any worse, someone pokes you on Facebook

   The very first photo uploaded to Facebook was a cartoon cat. The second one was probably a duck-face girl.

   The only people mad at you for speaking the truth! Are those living a lie!!!

   Does this birthday suit make me look fat?

   You'd think eating Ramen noodles with a butter knife would encourage me to wash dishes or at the very least go eat dinner at a Strip Club.

   Aww Crap, Monday found me again.

   it just me, or are women really negative? It's always "No, no, no!" with them.

   my Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   The best thing about Facebook is that someone can disappear as quickly as they appeared!

   Man arrested after calling 911 three times to request a hooker. In his defense, the term "police escort" is kind of vague.

   Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.

   Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.

   Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

   Give a man fish, and he'll eat for a day.. Give me fish, and I'll ask for chicken.

   NEWS: Scientists discover that doves can't cry............ Prince stripped of high school diploma.......

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps but now they think I'm lazy.

   I’m starting a protest tomorrow. Fat Lives Matter! Meeting at McDonald’s at 10, then KFC at 11 then Burger King at 12

   They spy on you through your microwave because they know its the one place you cant put your tin foil.