Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   seems to have replaced Sex with Food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

   I can't find my "Where's Waldo" book. Looks like he's won before we even started.

   When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them, I know that when I meet them I'll be insulted.

   They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.

   while seeking revenge dig 2 graves.....................one for yourself

   Welcome to my wall of shame. You are the latest addition.

   "Careful with fire" is good advice we know. "Careful with words" is ten times doubly so

   If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

   Almost everything I've done today has been done like a Rhinestone Cowboy.

   n't it amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're leaving?

   yeah I called her up,she thinks I don't listen to her,or something,I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   life is too short for regrets, so stop fighting ur enemies. Just get rid of them altogether. Dead men tell no tales...

   Where there is a Will.............. Put Me In It

   Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.

   constantly amazed at how peoples lips keep moving when they are talking through their arses !!!

   Aspire to inspire before you expire.

   Sex is like hacking. You get in, you get out, and you hope you didn't leave something behind that can be traced back to you.

   I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like ‘

   Shakeweight...providing practical excercise for ladies since 2009