Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey east coast, California speaking. Hope you enjoyed our earthquakes:)

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work..

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   I use to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean

   Dear Santa... In reguards to my wish list last year, I wrote to you asking, "sex, for a change" Not "for a sex change"... Please fix this

   "Imma let you finish, Lamar, but Whitney Houston had the best naked on cocaine death ever". - Kanye West

   I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

   At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.

   My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that's when I hired my first hooker.

   Well I don't want to date anyone that's ugly, but I also don't want to date anyone that's stupid. So I'm single.

   THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone

   You think your having a bad day until you see someone using a WIC voucher and buying a pregnnancy test at same time.

   "Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

   Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.

   He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.

   Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.

   Does it count as necrophilia if she's just dead inside?

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Drinking hasn't killed me, so it must be making me stronger

   Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot