Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey east coast, California speaking. Hope you enjoyed our earthquakes:)

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work..

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   n't it odd that people will fight for toilet paper but not for their freedom?

   Why does all the crime and unemployment target the blue states??

   NFL= NOT FOR LONG

   FREE LOTTERY ADVICE!!!! If tomorrow you find out you holding the winning ticket. (Before anyone finds out) call everyone you know let them you have an emergency and need to borrow $500. They will likely ignore you. This will come in handy in a few weeks w

   Trump has taken Take Your Daughter to Work Day to the next level.

   I accidentally ruined my wife's Chic record. I hope she doesn't freak out.

   there another tax we can pay to stop Covid 19 or does that just work for climate change?

   After this pandemic is over, I don't want to see any more memes claiming that you could live in a cabin alone for a full year for a million dollars. You literally couldn't stay in your house for 5 days to save your grandmother, soooo......

   come to think of it...Rosa Parks never called shotgun

   if you wear the #15 jersey while passing out candy to the kiddies tonight, you're allowed to throw the candy 15 feet above the kids heads. This is known as TEBOWING.

   there has been a new law stating that veils are not to be allowed in the workplace. Bee keepers are furious!

   Sorry But I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

   If I were a dog I'd constantly be thinking "Sure. You can pat me. Whatever. Then you can feed me and maybe later you can pick up my poop".

   If I ever run into the Captain of the Costa Concordia, I'm gonna kick him in the gondola!

   Remember, alcohol is way cheaper than therapy.

   I can't decide if insane people own multiple cats or if owning multiple cats makes people insane.

   It takes two people to fall in love + one to wreck it.