Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If life gives you melons you may be dyslexic.

   Extreme Makeover is spinning off a new series starring Donald Trump... it's called Extreme Combover

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985

   Don't worry about the world coming to an end, it,s already tomorrow in Australia

   Looks like former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been playing a little game of "Hide the Vienna Sausage".

   If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.

   I know your in a relationship and I know your with them 24/7, I don't need updates on it reminding me you have a partner and where your at!

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is we'll find it

   Weather Update. Cold with a chance of Nipples

   Coffee, Chocolate and Men...some things are just better rich

   Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD.

   I watch Zombie movies while eating watermelon. Makes me feel like I'm practicing in case I ever become one.

   Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   Justin Bieber's music is actually really good!...Once you turn the volume down all the way.

   "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" The doctor says, "It's Not Unusual."

   I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I'm cutting out my oversized heart. It has done me no favors anyway.

   If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!