Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?

   A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?

   oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....

   Mike Vick kills two dogs, goes to prison for 18 months. Ben Roethlisberger rapes two women, goes to the Super Bowl.. only in America..

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.

   If life gives you melons you may be dyslexic.

   Extreme Makeover is spinning off a new series starring Donald Trump... it's called Extreme Combover

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985

   Don't worry about the world coming to an end, it,s already tomorrow in Australia

   Looks like former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has been playing a little game of "Hide the Vienna Sausage".

   If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.

   I know your in a relationship and I know your with them 24/7, I don't need updates on it reminding me you have a partner and where your at!

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is we'll find it

   Weather Update. Cold with a chance of Nipples

   Coffee, Chocolate and Men...some things are just better rich

   Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs, never believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs.

   Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.