Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen I'm not an alcoholic, they go to meetings...I'm a drunk we go to parties!

   I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!

   Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week. Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time

   I just pictured my life.....and there isn't room for you in the frame.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.

   Sometimes I wish every guy gets a girlfriend like mine...why the hell should only I suffer.

   I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn!

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job" after its completed.

   I love myself because I don't have enough money to make other people do it.

   I put a moron filter to screen my Facebook news feed... Now I only see 5 statuses a day... :(

   My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

   Unfriended me? Wow, you sure showed m

   It's Monday, and a strong possibility I may hurt someone!

   Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...

   I didn't text you, vodka did.

   I just watched a video of a guy getting his nuts cut off. I can't believe I did that. Why do I even still have my wedding video, anyway?

   Bruno Mars looks like a nice lesbian. I think he and Justin Bieber would make a cute interr@cial couple.

   strong winds on the east coast....not Hurricane Sandy...its just congress in Washingoton DC blowing air out their mouths

   Before Facebook we all had to lie about how happy we are in person.

   I hate when someone sends me a text and puts LOL at the end. I'll decide if I'm gonna laugh or not.