Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your Thanksgiving plans include tofurkey, then you don't actually have Thanksgiving plans.

   If first dates are interviews, then second dates are negotiatons.

   Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   Can now be offensive in 3 different languages.

   Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway!

   maybe if I wear shorts tomorrow summer will come early

   Attending a facebook rehab

   If Longfellow was right, that "Into each life a little rain must fall", I choose to have the showers that fall on Bill Gates or The Donald!!

   Note to self: Stop writing yourself notes. Love, X

   somehow criminal lawyer seems slightly redundant

   I will say one thing about Lady GaGa. She wears stuff that even Boy George wouldn't be caught out in public in.

   thinks Starbucks should start selling a cup of "shut the _uck up" --grande size!

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   somedays I wake up b!tchy, other days I just let her sleep in.

   I'm just one tainted egg away from my goal weight…

   The best thing about this day? I haven't been fired. The worst thing about this day? I'm still working here.

   Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

   If Practice makes perfect, and no one is Perfect.. Why Practice ??

   We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong.