Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor.

   i guess Farmville is cool, if your into doing thing with the animals

   A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.

   my Halo is held up by my horns

   thinks it is nice when people are at least a little humble, even if it isn't their BEST quality like it is for me.

   looking forward to see the date and clock show 10/10/10 10:09

   facebook should add a b*tchslap otion along with like or dislike option

   If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn't want to be me when that happens.

   would like to live the life of a Bachelorette.. you know, date multiple guys and have them all be OK with it.. :0/

   Likes it put up so it doesn't get in the way of her doing her chores.

   Dear God, it's a new working week. When in trouble, please give me the strength & courage to use the lines once used by a visionary. "Sc**w you guys, I'm going home" - Sir Eric Cartman

   Ya win some, ya loose some.. But nothing is better than getting some!

   The Russian Military is saving money by using inflatable tanks as decoys. You cant tell them apart from the real thing....apart from the sign saying 'No Shoes'..

   Ask.com is useless.... they have no idea where I put the remote either.

   There is no point in fighting with an a$$hole. Trust me, they’ve had a lot more practice defending themselves than you.

   It must be nice for boring people, they can just think themselves to sleep.

   If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.

   Sorry hitchhiker dude. You have a better chance getting a ride from a deer.

   I really hope my fantasy football teams do well this year.... I need a resume booster.

   Sometimes I drink water, just to surprise my liver.