Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thought an owl threw up in my bed but no apparently I ate half a granola bar in my sleep.

   We are all born sexual creatures; it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift. ~ Marilyn Monroe

   My dentist just said I'm getting a crown! I must have been a *super* good patient today.

   To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction. Thanks haters.

   In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.

   I no longer wish to share this nation's roads and highways with others.. Sorry for your inconvenience.

   It's weird how all the floor around my father is made of eggshells.

   If a Rabbit Foot is considered good luck, then a Camel Toe should be considered amazing luck!

   Barman says to Paddy, "ur glass is empty, fancy another one?". Paddy looking confused replies, "why the would I want 2 empty glasses?"

   Here's to no unexpected farthers day cards.

   The last time she got 100% on a test it involved peeing on a stick.

   Besides falling in love. What other hobbies do you have?

   Why do they subtitle "Swamp People"?

   As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh your sweet juices run down my face. I love watermelon!!

   When you try and help an a$$hole out, all you're going to get is sh!t in return.

   heyy Good work! everyone trying to take down big corporations with their statuses on facebook, posted from macbooks, paid for with credit cards.

   Turns out Smart Cars also make great fridge magnets.

   It's Friday! Time to mute your conscience and party!

   Iron Chef would be a cooler show if the secret theme ingredient were always Cool Ranch Doritos.

   Tip: you can save a step in the morning by putting mouthwash on your cereal instead of milk.