Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

   Mark Zuckerberg really controls all of our lives, at any moment he could decide to take Facebook offline.

   Doctors performed emergency surgery on Nancy Grace to remove what they thought was a malignant mass. Turned out it was just her head.

   Again, I can't hear you, because… I HAVE A BULLHORN

   Happy birthday to Sir Mix-A-Lot! People forget how persecuted big butts were before he wrote that song.

   How do all these dudes driving Smart Cars find room in them for all the p ussy they're pulling in?

   A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno.

   Hello Acme? Me again, I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates.. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it... No I still haven't caught him

   NBA players support China despite violating the human rights of its citizens but protests when a thug gets what he deserves...

   Trump suggests that someone should shoot Hillary? There he goes trying to make America great again.

   "Let's have a march to show our hate and give speeches about love!" Women

   "Hi I'm Kayne West! I survive on your attention. Give me your attention. Hey where you going...I need you attention..."

   Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural when there are two boobs but only one butt?

   If your boyfriend isn't strong enough to pick you up and pin you up against the wall, you have a girlfriend

   do we have any world leaders or are they to busy playing golf ,pool and drinking beer ?

   we need to go back to the belt, sorry I mean the basics when raising these kids.

   I would rather massage my urethra with a cactus than hear that Pharrell song about being Happy

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.