Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when the Zombie Apacalypse happens (and it will) I'm going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. Yep, I'll be just fine.

   The awkward moment when you accidentally call your teacher 'Mom.'

   just caught a glimpse of the supermoon coming from behind the clouds.. It looked like..... the moon!

   50% of my weirdness makes the other 50% creepy.

   "Its my money and I need it now" I just wanna smack the sh*t out of J.G Wentworth!!!!

   Damn...I'm having an out of money experience.

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

   Never wait until a woman is fed up for you to start cherishing and appreciating her.

   If a mime shoots you, must he use a silencer?

   I hate being bi-polar. It's f@#king awesome!!!

   So, if your wife is looking at job postings and says "Look honey, this one says I have exactly what they are looking for" and you reply "What, big boobs?". That is NOT the right answer...

   Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!

   Note to self; don't take a nap with worlds wildest police chases on.....you get some CRAZY dreams!

   My Ouija board keeps saying "Boo! LOL J/K!" Stupid teenage ghosts.

   Facebook is like a spouse: when you think you have it all figured out, it completely changes

   Whoever said "It's what's on the inside that counts the most" never met my ex and experienced how full of sh!t she is.

   i wish there was a friend, who could help me as much, as music does

   Expect the Best, be prepared for the Worst, F$%k what others think & do your own thing!

   I'd like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.

   Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he is adopted...