Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   Oh honey, you're not pretty enough to be that stupid

   Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

   Its called KARMA and its pronounced "Ha ha you got served what you deserve"

   If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

   "No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"

   Women spend 2% of their lives trying to figure out where bruises on their legs came from

   Can't get over the irony that they actually serve milk at "Hooters"

   can't stop sneezing because I'm allergic to your BS....

   they say eating fish makes you smarter, but the only ones you eat are the ones dumb enough to get caught

   says - just when you think all your ducks are in a row, someone comes along and shoots one of them

   All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...

   I'm perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos...a beautiful disaster.

   Remember, A hard punch can often be used as a secret weapon to secure victory in an intellectual debate.

   If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking, debauchery or cursing, then it involves less of me.

   just spent my Saturday watching commercials on AMC interupted by 10 minutes segments of movie..

   You're 10 years old and have a laptop, iPod and BlackBerry. Dude when I was 10 I had pokemon cards.