Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   I got my drug dealer $200 for Christmas and he got me a big bag of weed.

   African mother to her child: "You better be happy you're that skinny, there's fat kids in America that wish they were as skinny as you!"

   That spicy tuna roll I ate last night gave me HOTHOLE

   "The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles."

   on a scale of 1 to justin bieber , how gay are you?

   I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

   What's the difference between "no!, no!, not my ass!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? Duct tape.

   I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.

   I love you like white folks love their pet dogs.

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.

   Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Juliette Oscar Echo Bravo India Delta Echo November.

   You win some, you loose some, but it's all good if you get some :)

   If you can say "I can't breathe", then technically, you can breathe. Cops know not to fall for that trick.

   If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

   "On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?" "69"

   this cop pulled me over then asked me why I was speeding, I told him I was rushing to the policemen's ball. He looked at me and told me "policemen don't have balls" he smiled and let me go