Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground

   guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people

   A tongue has no bones but it’s really strong enough to break a heart.

   I’ll smash a jar on the floor before I’ll let a girl open a jar for me.

   Pretty soon, evolution will kick in and women will be born without a gag reflex.

   I dont know what it means, but this cougar just said she wants to hug my face with her thighs.

   "I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls

   Harry Potter and the Soul Crushing Responsibility of Adulthood.

   Does anyone know the recipe for 'I DON'T KNOW' because everybody in the house keeps telling me that when I ask them what they all want for dinner.....

   I don't want your girlfriend. No one wants your girlfriend... Thats why she's with you!

   By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.

   You needn't love your enemy, but if you refrain from telling lies about him, you are doing well enough.

   Putting your finger against someone's lips and saying "Shhhh.... Not another word." is super romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then of course,, you're a witch.

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   how mad will you be when you find out all the herbs and spices in kfc is just salt

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!

   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.