Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

   "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn" - my dinner.

   thinks the new myspace sucks... then again, so does the old one... way to be consistent myspace

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.

   would explain my awesomeness to you, but your brain would just explode...

   Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....

   Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican

   If i'm ever sleeping and a bunch of Zs start coming out of my head, please call a doctor.

   Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison

   Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?

   just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.

   Would you tap that???..I wouldnt even poke it on facebook!!!!

   The Skort, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass

   someone says "brb shower" and BAM you imagine them naked!!!

   One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

   I don't know what bothers me most...Hillary's pantsuits, her voice, or that her d*ck is bigger than my boyfriend's.

   Reinforce your Ikea furniture and make yourself comfortable in mom’s basement for four more years, mi!!ennials. Bernies out!

   I'm Irish, give me a liver.

   I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.