Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that a person who really loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everoyone else still believes in the smile on your face

   Never recycle a past relationship. Because if it didn't work out before, what makes you think it would this time?

   Lindsay Lohan is so dumb that she wanted to move to Afghanistan......because she heard girls could get stoned there.

   . "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

   It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have a gun and need it

   She's fat, I'm drunk, IT'S ON!

   throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping

   Wondering, Don't you idiot Desert Dwellers realize Americans are watching Football today and could give a $hit less about your protest.. @wasteofenergy

   So I just saw a church sign that said "Why pay for GPS, Jesus gives guidance for free." Do you think Best Buy would match that?

   If I eat a Chick-fil-a sandwich it doesn't mean I hate gays. If I eat a Jimmy Johns sandwich it doesn't mean I support the killing of exotic animals. All it means is I really like sandwiches.

   AWE YEAH,,, I just washed my dog with Axe body wash... He's gonna to get ALL DA B!TCHES

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   I blame everyone for my problems. Except Shaggy, Because we all know it wasn't him.

   You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   beating your meat as a teenager just prepares you for marriage...

   WHY do men cheat? Seriously... One woman is expensive enough!

   Shout out to all the KKK members who have a birthday in Black History month and a birthday on the same day as MLK.

   I would kill the sexiest person on earth but suicide is a crime