Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to all the grandparents that told your kids I hope your kids are as bad as you... well played!

   I know you people can't think everyone that messages you is a bouquet of roses. C'mon...tell people what you REALLY think of them. THAT would be more interesting to read!

   thinks whoever invented new year resolutions would have sworn every year that he wished he hadn't...

   I wonder if Santa's "list" goes from 12/25-12/25, or does the new list start on January 1st? I think we have a few days to be bad that aren't on record...

   please don't follow in my footsteps coz I walk into walls

   Saying that athiests can't say "OMG" because they're godless is like saying theists can't say "common sense" because they lack it.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   Boob is the perfect word cux it shows you what it means. Top view -> B ... Front view -> oo ... Side view -> b.

   Why does Stevie Wonder love seeded hamburger rolls? Because of the jokes written on top.

   Breaking News: Tiger Woods withdraws from the masters after the first hole. At a news conference he claims he dropped out because he's a one hole man now......

   I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe......his name was Roberto

   thinks the only thing worse than having to listen to Donald Trump is having to admit he's right! RIP Kate Steinle

   Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and now Amy Winehouse, all died at 27. So only 10 more years of Justin Bieber

   Law of Reverse Dynamics: When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty When a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich.

   I'm seriously as bored as a vegetarian gay guy at hooters!

   DIET= Do I Eat That...

   I hate married people who act single.

   Sometimes my LOL just means, Lack-Of-Laughter

   Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.