Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Push for Power" at the Indy 500? Sounds like Mario Kart on the Wii. How long before Helio throws a little red turtle from his car to wipe out the guy in front of him?

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   planning to suprise the IRS next year by filing his 2010 Tax Return by sending a singing telegram.

   The pills I take to prevent hangovers never work, because they lure me into a false sense of security and I end up drinking more than modern science can handle.

   My train of thought is derailed.

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   to all the grandparents that told your kids I hope your kids are as bad as you... well played!

   I know you people can't think everyone that messages you is a bouquet of roses. C'mon...tell people what you REALLY think of them. THAT would be more interesting to read!

   thinks whoever invented new year resolutions would have sworn every year that he wished he hadn't...

   I wonder if Santa's "list" goes from 12/25-12/25, or does the new list start on January 1st? I think we have a few days to be bad that aren't on record...

   please don't follow in my footsteps coz I walk into walls

   Saying that athiests can't say "OMG" because they're godless is like saying theists can't say "common sense" because they lack it.

   discovered today that when a police officer says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?", you should never respond with "Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

   Boob is the perfect word cux it shows you what it means. Top view -> B ... Front view -> oo ... Side view -> b.

   Why does Stevie Wonder love seeded hamburger rolls? Because of the jokes written on top.

   Breaking News: Tiger Woods withdraws from the masters after the first hole. At a news conference he claims he dropped out because he's a one hole man now......

   I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe......his name was Roberto

   thinks the only thing worse than having to listen to Donald Trump is having to admit he's right! RIP Kate Steinle

   Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and now Amy Winehouse, all died at 27. So only 10 more years of Justin Bieber

   Law of Reverse Dynamics: When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty When a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich.