Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not the minutes that we spend sitting at the table that puts on weight. It's the seconds.

   No unwilling people were harmed during the making of this status. Viewer discretion is advised

   begining to think Facebook has Body dysmorphic disorder, seriously enough with the changes!!! We liked you the way you were!!!

   Who told you, you were special? The lady driving that little bus?

   ˙sƃuıɥʇ uo ǝʌıʇɔǝdsɹǝd ɹǝɥ ƃuıƃuɐɥɔ sı

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   doing The Safety Dance while holding scissors. I'm such a rebel.

   I'll take SPORTS SUPERSTARS for $1000 Alex. The answer: Allen Iverson and Randy Moss. *buzzes in* Who are 'people that no one wants on their team anymore?'

   I used to care but now I take a pill for that...

   swears he heard a chinese say something along the lines: "Are you harbouring a fugitive?" These are the exact words: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

   I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance mama...

   It feels good not to have any feelings.

   I'm not drunk... I'm just tired from drinking all day!

   worried that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it.

   Cell phones should be able to be solar charged

   I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.

   I'm pretty sure my wife friend-zoned me a couple years back...

   pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife

   I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."

   Driving down the road and I see a sign that says "Speed Inforced By Aircraft" So I went a little faster....how cool would it be to get pulled over by a plane?