Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance mama...

   It feels good not to have any feelings.

   I'm not drunk... I'm just tired from drinking all day!

   worried that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it.

   Cell phones should be able to be solar charged

   I miss playing Capture The Flag. Adulthood is sad.

   I'm pretty sure my wife friend-zoned me a couple years back...

   pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife

   I wanna get pulled over at 88 mph just so I can tell the cop: "Sorry, Flux capacitor must be busted. I should be in 1957."

   Driving down the road and I see a sign that says "Speed Inforced By Aircraft" So I went a little faster....how cool would it be to get pulled over by a plane?

   We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.

   People think I'm sleeping in this tent to see that stupid Twilight movie, I'm just first in line for Black Friday.

   If I were a medical examiner, halfway through every autopsy, I would say "Yep, he's definitely dead." Just to lighten the mood.

   When they came up with the phrase "loose lips sink ships", the captain was getting a blow job.

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common?....In each case there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time...

   Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”

   To find Waldo, you must first find yourself

   I remember my first crush... It was orange

   Taylor Swift - 22 going on 14.

   One of the hardest things I ever had to do as a kid was OPEN a Band-Aid with a cut finger... using a stupid red string.