Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   I don't have tattoos for the same reason I don't have children -- I'm afraid if someone tells me they're ugly, I won't want them anymore.

   So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?

   Why can't all cable and satellite companies put the tv stations on the same damn channel??

   Even Vince McMahon thinks nascar races are fake...

   Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.

   I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   There are times when Facebook makes you thankful for distance.

   I never knew how corny some of my friends were before I added them on Facebook.

   Doesn't matter how you find the gold, as long as you beat the leprechaun to it

   wonders if women are from venus, and men are from mars... where are transvestites from?

   transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   says "If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie."

   I think what I want most out of life is to die in my 90's owing a s**t load of money and shot by a jealous husband.

   If your gonna be two faced at least make one of em pretty!

   Im not under the alkafluence of inkahol thet some thinkle peep I am!!!

   “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.