Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   There are times when Facebook makes you thankful for distance.

   Not a good idea to Text/tweet and walk at the same time. Trust me, the pole is closer than you think...

   I want to donkey punch ignorant people

   Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass

   thankful for the makers of Lysol

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think...

   transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   says "If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie."

   I think what I want most out of life is to die in my 90's owing a s**t load of money and shot by a jealous husband.

   If your gonna be two faced at least make one of em pretty!

   Im not under the alkafluence of inkahol thet some thinkle peep I am!!!

   “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   ~ Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin, it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.~

   The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...

   I used to live in a residential building until a few hookers moved in on the 3rd floor - now it's a commercial building...

   It is hard to believe someone is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in their place.

   OUCH! Why does a papercut always have to feel like a gunshot wound!?!