Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   Found a Jelly Belly in my winter coat from last year. I ate it.

   In time for the Holiday, Axe releases 3 new body sprays... 1. Pull My Finger... 2. Bowling shoe... 3. Elf bum

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

   Hamsters seem pretty dumb when they run in their wheel, don't they. *scroll* *scroll* *scroll* *pause* *scroll* *scroll* *pause*

   Since ISIS/ISIL is now setting up camps within 5 miles of the U.S. border, are they still a "JV squad?"

   A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.

   It's that time of year we need a Frozen Margarita truck. . .

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'

   Kim Kardashian attacked at the Paris Fashion Show, but unfortunately it wasn't by ISIS.

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   She died doing what she loved......bringing up old sh*t.

   Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.

   About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

   Remember Snooki? Yeah me neither, it's like she disappeared! That's because she went back to her real name, Danny Devito... 😂

   Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time

   when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.