Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that's why we have a problem.

   It takes approximately 6 hours for a woman to find a ringing phone in her handbag.

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

   Music is my Escape from all the Bullsh!t in Life!!!

   I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone.

   Not ALL of B EGO's shtuff is funny, but I've seen quite a few good ones from him. We all bomb once in a while. :)

   I shall judge you based upon my personal demons against an unattainable standard while belittling you for not living up to my expectations.

   Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.

   Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   has plenty of girls who can suck, he's looking for the one who can blow his mind

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   I'm not saying I'm lonely, but sometimes I call random numbers for human contact.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. The affordable way to buy your daughter that Pony she always wanted.

   I really wasn't planning on drinking all that beer this evening. The pretzels made me do it.

   a woman a day keeps the hand away

   And the Oscar goes to.................................... Court for killing his girlfriend.

   Terrible 2's->sweet 16->slutty 18-> Alcoholic 21

   Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?

   My best friend in Florida won the power 540 million power ball....Okay, I haven't actually met him yet but I am sure we will be the best friends forever.