Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shall judge you based upon my personal demons against an unattainable standard while belittling you for not living up to my expectations.

   Just got fired from my part time job working from home because "Apparently" when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.

   Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   has plenty of girls who can suck, he's looking for the one who can blow his mind

   Today, I'll be responding to all questions with 'interpretive dance', so a lot of you are going to miss some of the hilarity that ensues ツ

   I'm not saying I'm lonely, but sometimes I call random numbers for human contact.

   Tesco's Quarter Pounders. The affordable way to buy your daughter that Pony she always wanted.

   I really wasn't planning on drinking all that beer this evening. The pretzels made me do it.

   a woman a day keeps the hand away

   And the Oscar goes to.................................... Court for killing his girlfriend.

   Terrible 2's->sweet 16->slutty 18-> Alcoholic 21

   Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?

   My best friend in Florida won the power 540 million power ball....Okay, I haven't actually met him yet but I am sure we will be the best friends forever.

   Ya know, "American Pie" ruined it for any kid who really did have an amazing story about band camp.

   Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"

   dumb minds think alike too.

   It is Scientifically proven that you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blow job

   Jeremiah quickly learned that as long as he had wine, some mighty fine wine, he would always have a friend.

   They call me The Beer Whisperer.

   I don't want perfect, I want honesty.