Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is called joy.

   I tell people I listen to Justin bieber just so they wouldn't talk to me again.

   You're never too old to become younger.

   Once I was all over you, now I'm just over you.

   If I knew then what I know now, there's no way I would have passed high school algebra.

   If eating a bunch o junk f food when you're supposed to be sleeping isn't a super power, then I don't know what is...

   Make good memories today, so that you can have a good past.

   You'd think with being this beautiful everyone could ignore the crazy..

   I can get as down and dirty as you need...I'm washable.

   I have a feeling that 99.9% of the fingers blown off will be from males.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   Water is the most important compound on Earth, because without water we couldn't make coffee or booze.

   Kringle energy drink.:::Do all your work in one night and take the rest of the year off..!!

   Tip! If the party invitation mentions 'festivities', 'ball pit' and 'face painting' - it's most definitely B.Y.O.B. You are welcome!

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   "Do you realize how may calories are in that?" "Do you realize how much I don't care?"

   Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that's mostly all I'm interested in as well. He's alright.

   If I were married to her, I'd be on Americas Most Wanted in 24 hrs.

   "And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)

   You call it lazy. I call it keeping housekeepers employed...