Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Make good memories today, so that you can have a good past.

   You'd think with being this beautiful everyone could ignore the crazy..

   I can get as down and dirty as you need...I'm washable.

   I have a feeling that 99.9% of the fingers blown off will be from males.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   Water is the most important compound on Earth, because without water we couldn't make coffee or booze.

   Kringle energy drink.:::Do all your work in one night and take the rest of the year off..!!

   Tip! If the party invitation mentions 'festivities', 'ball pit' and 'face painting' - it's most definitely B.Y.O.B. You are welcome!

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   "Do you realize how may calories are in that?" "Do you realize how much I don't care?"

   Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that's mostly all I'm interested in as well. He's alright.

   If I were married to her, I'd be on Americas Most Wanted in 24 hrs.

   "And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)

   You call it lazy. I call it keeping housekeepers employed...

   I'm trying to find a place inside your heart, but it's hard to start a fire without a spark. Can you work with me here!

   Reports say that credit ratings are soon to be abolished for private individuals. All you need these days is a valid receipt from a your local gas station!

   My brain hurts from all the serious issues being discussed on "Fox News"... I think I'll turn the tv to "CNN" for a little comic relief

   Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

   Earthquake in Mexico. 50,000 dead. England sending money, France sending food, US sending Replacement Mexicans. Pack your sh!t up, you're going home.

   If you are ordering Chinese food and ask them for Miso soup, and they are out of it, do they tell you Miso sorry??