Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..

   You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight

   Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???

   Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

   Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.

   Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"

   I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

   Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option

   I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

   Love is a sacred thing meant just for two. But there's always that one slut who doesn't know how to count.

   I feel bad for kids nowadays that see a cool new toy on tv that they want, but have no way of getting, because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.

   If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.