Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I'll settle for some bacon.

   Let me wipe those tears away with my boobies.

   PRO PARENTING TIP: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest... .2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's ten... 3. When he asks you about the picture, stare silently into the ceiling for 10 min. then make chirping noise

   My cats can't drive. But, that doesn't stop me from sending them to the store for more booze.

   I play with my hair because I have no balls.

   Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.

   A good relationship is not without struggle – it's knowing how to struggle.

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   Any bathroom without toilet paper is a panic room.

   I come from a long line of impatient customers.

   If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.

   Growing up into an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life.

   With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.

   Dammit! I tried, I really tried, but Monday still found me.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Smoke alarms going off. Guess the wife's cooking is done...

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   I went to the poles today.... well, they were stripper poles, but those girls got my vote.

   Looking at those meteorite videos from Chelyabinsk. I have learned Russians have very bad radio stations....

   That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof