Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonders: If an astronaut drives a Saturn and a pimp drives an Escort, does a proctologist drive a brown Probe?

   Just face it.... 9 out of 10 of your facebook friends would never be your friend in real life.

   - Rumor has it that Terrance and Phillip will be lighting the Olympic Flame tonight in Vancouver.

   I bet curling atheletes have dirty houses. When they get home,they must think "Screw this. I do enough sweeping at work!"

   his HOME button must be broken. I keep pressing it but I'm still at work.

   the only thing not covered by the new health care bill is busting your ass

   Would rather tell a thousand truths and draw a thousand tears, than a lie, and see a thousand forged smiles.

   misses the good old days of giving a box of heart's saying I want to get down with you in so many words!"

   There's a one-in six-billion chance that you'll find your soulmate. And that's if they're not dead

   believes the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   No more b!tch pills for YOU miss crabby A$$

   If I ever met Sammy Hagar, I would have to ask: "What would happen if scientists found a SECOND way to ROCK?"

   life is a book.with .many chapters some are hard to get through some are easy but you have to keep turning the page to get to the next adventure..

   thinking Starbucks should come out with a Venti Cafe Mocha Xanax Rum STFU

   No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

   Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.

   Remembers a conversation with my X – she asked, “John what would our Brangelena name be as a couple” - I said, “Junt”

   So, someone in Olympia Washington stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   never going to Costco hungry again, I just spent 200 bucks on chips and dip...WTF!!?