Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

   Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.

   So, someone in Olympia Washington stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   never going to Costco hungry again, I just spent 200 bucks on chips and dip...WTF!!?

   if at first you don't succeed.... don't be surprised.

   There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

   Facebook: A place where you discover that people you once respected can't speel.

   sending more mixed signals than a dyslexic, third-base coach.

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise.

   Road rage catalyst: People who slow down and creep when turning a corner.

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   I use to be in great shape until I fell in love... Damn!!!

   This is MY facebook wall and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

   I don't know why people complain about wanting more hours in the day. If I had more hours I'd have to get more creative about how I waste them.

   Here's to hoping next time Lady Gaga wears a dress made out of Justin Bieber.

   listening to her dishwasher washing, her clothes washer and dryer washing and drying, her air purifier purifying and thinking what an awesome multi-tasker I am.

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.