Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a one-in six-billion chance that you'll find your soulmate. And that's if they're not dead

   believes the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   No more b!tch pills for YOU miss crabby A$$

   If I ever met Sammy Hagar, I would have to ask: "What would happen if scientists found a SECOND way to ROCK?"

   life is a book.with .many chapters some are hard to get through some are easy but you have to keep turning the page to get to the next adventure..

   thinking Starbucks should come out with a Venti Cafe Mocha Xanax Rum STFU

   No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

   Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.

   Remembers a conversation with my X – she asked, “John what would our Brangelena name be as a couple” - I said, “Junt”

   So, someone in Olympia Washington stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   never going to Costco hungry again, I just spent 200 bucks on chips and dip...WTF!!?

   I don't know why people complain about wanting more hours in the day. If I had more hours I'd have to get more creative about how I waste them.

   Here's to hoping next time Lady Gaga wears a dress made out of Justin Bieber.

   listening to her dishwasher washing, her clothes washer and dryer washing and drying, her air purifier purifying and thinking what an awesome multi-tasker I am.

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.

   on the way to Comaland. That's about 24 minutes north of Shutupimsleepingville, which is right outside of Setthealarm Village.

   Remember when only the really cool people were on Facebook? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad.

   Relationships are like drugs, they either kill you, or give you the best feeling of your life.