Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Get off my lawn!" First native words spoken to Christopher Columbus.

   - Rumor has it that Terrance and Phillip will be lighting the Olympic Flame tonight in Vancouver.

   I bet curling atheletes have dirty houses. When they get home,they must think "Screw this. I do enough sweeping at work!"

   his HOME button must be broken. I keep pressing it but I'm still at work.

   the only thing not covered by the new health care bill is busting your ass

   it's hotter than two mice f*cking in a wool sock!

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   I was very ambitious about achieving goals until I learned you can just go to bars and lie to people.

   Wonders: If an astronaut drives a Saturn and a pimp drives an Escort, does a proctologist drive a brown Probe?

   Just face it.... 9 out of 10 of your facebook friends would never be your friend in real life.

   Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

   looking for nudist beaches in Google Earth

   I used to call my ex wife 'Treasure.' It wasnt because she was precious to me. It was because everybody kept asking where I dug her up from.

   not sure what the words "PORN" and "POT" have to do with Thanksgiving ... but I know my Mom said both of them at the Dinner table tonight.

   farts with the sole purpose of making you smell better

   I think that all P0rn movies could have the exact same title....."Sh t That Will Never Happen to You"

   "In Super Mario, as in life, its Game Over when you get the girl!!!"

   According to google maps there is no such place as Cougar Town, this show is so full of $hit.

   wonders how crowded the Cinco de Mayo parades will be this year throughout Arizona.

   Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. The Internet in a nutshell.