Funny Status Messages

   Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”

   I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

   Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.

   Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"

   I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.