Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be a comedian so bad but I am afraid they will all laugh at me!

   Just saw this group on facebook: "Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever noticed how all womens problems begin with men?" No. All womens problems begin with opening their mouths and saying stupid things like that.

   3 ways to die early. smoking = 5 years early. alcohol = 10 years early. loving someone who doesn't love you = you die daily.

   rearranging furniture at the home for the blind

   #5856 That's how many troops have been killed in Iraq & Afghanistan protecting freedom. The other number games don't matter.

   I don’t believe in religion, I believe in God

   I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

   To all my Facebook Friends.....If you are over 20 years old and know the name to a Justin Bieber OR a Lady Gaga song, PLEASE Delete me as a friend....I don't think I wanna be friends with you!!!

   Sex is a sensation that starts with a temptation where a boy puts his location in a girls destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Does everyone get my explanation or do you all need a demonstration?

   After I get Christmas bought, I will be so broke that come New Years I'm gonna have to party like it's $19.99

   Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday

   You know the women that say: "Why are hot guys always jerks, the nice guys always taken, and the hot and nice guys always gay?" You're fat. Stop making f*cking excuses.

   If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.

   The reason folks who don't work @ Walmart know the deficit was 11 trillion in 2007 is because they graduated from high school and their sister in-wife isn't also their mother.

   Did you know that you can quietly be a republican, democrat or liberal?

   If a bra is called an 'over the shoulder bolder holder', then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Roses are red, Grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my weiner!

   If your bf/gf is deliberately hiding his/her phone from you, your relationship is over. Sorry.

   Go to Google and type in.... "DO A BARREL ROLL"

   Boobs= not much ass, Ass= no boobs, Ass and Boobs= ugly face, Ass, boobs and nice face= Slut. You can never win