Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.

   When on vacation, don't take pictures of building...take pictures of moments...Keep them close to your heart and never let them go!

   what's the difference between a women with PMS and a pitbull? Lipstick

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks.

   I just saved a lot of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   Weekend - you teased me! I was so enjoying you and then you went away. Come back. I miss you. (*sob, sob*)

   Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican

   I'm petitioning Crayola to replace the "burnt orange" crayon with "burnt snooki"

   There is a great need for sarcasm font

   chick, I wouldn't even poke you with Facebook

   I havn't seen it rain this hard since Tim Tebow lost to Alabama...

   thinking she got sick from reading all those statuses of others being sick, next time please cover your statuses when you write...Thank you

   just saw a Prius with that brake problem. It was barreling down the road at speeds exceeding 35 MPH.

   "The greatest ironies of life: having the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out that you love someone after that person walks out of your sight ...."

   Crazy how people are more worried about getting Avocados then drugs and trafficing

   Black person: Jeans $200, Shirt $100, Shoes $160, pockets.. $0 White Person: Jeans $15, Shirt $20, Shoes $30, pockets $5,000"

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   Friends are like a string of Christmas lights. Some are broke, some are burned out, others just don't work for you, a few aren't the brightest, some even need you to untangle the mess they are in..but most of them shine brightest when your day is darkest.

   You'd think a community activist would have a better handle on the economy by now.

   Having one child makes you a parent, having two makes you a referee and having more than two makes you a bouncer!