Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to Ice Ice Baby.

   Sales of Lady Gaga's newest CD have dropped 85% in the second week. As people have started actually listening to it.

   You know what they say about a man and his feet. And that's why I don't find my fear of being raped by a clown irrational.

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   not pleased with the results of Googling myself.

   Spread you open slowly Lick you with my tongue Dip you in my milk..... Damn oreos are good!

   My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. Slightly concerned, but in the end it doesn't even matter

   Club Clinton members are freaking out over Milania Trump moving into the White House, yet they're okay with some gender neutral closet-case using the same restrooms as their daughters.

   dems trying to censor any free speech site. And if they can't censor it, they flood it with pro-left nonsense. Sound familiar?

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP necks from getting red.

   I'm not sure who complains more, Hillary or LeBron.

   If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?

   Take it to the next level. Fire and Fury audiobook narrated by Hillary Clinton.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music. It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   .Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....

   Donald Trump is realising that words really do matter. He is becoming more Presidential by the day.

   I haven't seen a lead blown that great since Hillary's 2016 campaign

   If I die at the gym while lifting weights, add more weights then call 911.

   My friends treat me like God. They completely ignore my existence until they need something.