Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ur attempts to make me jealous are hilarious and unsuccesful.

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.

   DODGY EMAIL WARNING! Do not under any circumstances open any email you receive which says 'two free tickets to see Arsenal". It contains two free tickets to see Arsenal. Please pass it on.

   While eating dinner I dropped food on my napkin by accident and caught myself licking it off. What the hell is wrong with me?

   next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to Ice Ice Baby.

   Sales of Lady Gaga's newest CD have dropped 85% in the second week. As people have started actually listening to it.

   You know what they say about a man and his feet. And that's why I don't find my fear of being raped by a clown irrational.

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   not pleased with the results of Googling myself.

   Spread you open slowly Lick you with my tongue Dip you in my milk..... Damn oreos are good!

   My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. Slightly concerned, but in the end it doesn't even matter

   Club Clinton members are freaking out over Milania Trump moving into the White House, yet they're okay with some gender neutral closet-case using the same restrooms as their daughters.

   dems trying to censor any free speech site. And if they can't censor it, they flood it with pro-left nonsense. Sound familiar?

   Donald Trump is realising that words really do matter. He is becoming more Presidential by the day.

   I haven't seen a lead blown that great since Hillary's 2016 campaign

   My friends treat me like God. They completely ignore my existence until they need something.

   Whoever named them "sugar cookies" could've tried a little harder.

   It's social media. Not "I'm a thirsty, gender confused, angry, whiney cry baby" media.