Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering what chairs would look like if your knees bent the other way....

   'So, Just in case all Hell does freeze over, What's your Number?"

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   I swear to God, if Bill Gates had a dollar for everytime I have to reboot my computer...Oh, wait. He does. :(

   America is at war with al qaeda, but we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

   Dont buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   This girl asked me, "Why guys always have their hands down their pants?" I told her, "When you've got something great, you want to hold onto it."

   duck tape makes no! no! no! sound like mhmm! mhmm! mhmm!

   should not be mistaken for Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, just because there appears to be a large package in his pants.

   Applied to be a Porn Star...Was told I'm over qualified.

   this cold weather doesn't bother me. It's the weaklings who b!tch about it that get on my nerves.

   hates the seat warmers in the car it makes me feel like I peed my pants, wait I didn't turn on the seat warmers today, DAMMMITT!!

   believes in "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It" - quoting a military scholar

   Ur attempts to make me jealous are hilarious and unsuccesful.

   There's a fine line between looking tan and looking like you rolled in a bag of Doritos.

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumbass!

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.

   DODGY EMAIL WARNING! Do not under any circumstances open any email you receive which says 'two free tickets to see Arsenal". It contains two free tickets to see Arsenal. Please pass it on.

   While eating dinner I dropped food on my napkin by accident and caught myself licking it off. What the hell is wrong with me?