Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people ask me "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?". I mean, seriously, I do not have 2020 vision!

   What does a NY Giants fan do after his team wins? Turns off the xbox and goes to bed.

   Sylvester Stallone and his buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up, and they've got a blockbuster action movie opening this weekend. They're a little older now than they use to be, but go see the movie. It's called "Escape From Assisted Living."

   What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE

   Please God let me show you being a millionaire won't spoil or change me

   wondering what chairs would look like if your knees bent the other way....

   'So, Just in case all Hell does freeze over, What's your Number?"

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   This girl asked me, "Why guys always have their hands down their pants?" I told her, "When you've got something great, you want to hold onto it."

   duck tape makes no! no! no! sound like mhmm! mhmm! mhmm!

   There's a fine line between looking tan and looking like you rolled in a bag of Doritos.

   I swear to God, if Bill Gates had a dollar for everytime I have to reboot my computer...Oh, wait. He does. :(

   America is at war with al qaeda, but we're still losing the war against Al Sharpton!

   Dont buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumbass!

   should not be mistaken for Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, just because there appears to be a large package in his pants.

   Applied to be a Porn Star...Was told I'm over qualified.

   this cold weather doesn't bother me. It's the weaklings who b!tch about it that get on my nerves.

   hates the seat warmers in the car it makes me feel like I peed my pants, wait I didn't turn on the seat warmers today, DAMMMITT!!

   believes in "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It" - quoting a military scholar