Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die, I want to buried with an elephant bone. Just to screw with future archiologists.

   If it aint broken dont fix it. Now why did Facebook people have to mess with the CHAT?

   Plan worked perfectly last night! Reindeer BBQ at my place tonight anyone?

   Does PETA think all animals die a natural death, with hospice care, surrounded by family keeping vigil until passing quietly into the night?

   You know Ive never understood those 1-900 numbers...It seems strange to me to pay to hear a woman's crazy talk on the phone for hours...Im gonna come up with my own 1-900 number where you pay a woman to just be quite for awhile...

   ... Shut Up ... The World Won't End in 2012.

   a man walks up to his wife with a sheep under his arm, and says.. this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headach... confused, the wife says... thats not a pig under your arm?? I wasnt talking to u, replys the man

   Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license.

   Life makes you wise and Bud makes you weiser.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   If I was to ever own a race horse I would name it "Two Trailer Park Girls" and train it to go 'round the outside just I can hear the caller do an Eminem impression!

   smoke free for 17,770 days now!!

   Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

   back..by popular demand!

   “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

   thinks that the US Soccer team should dress up as oral hygienists to scare the english into forfeiture

   .... He is risen .....

   hey vegitarians...my food poops on your food!

   somewhere over the rainbow

   Women with pierced tongues are like Microsoft. They can't do it right so they add more hardware.