Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   X wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.

   Boob is the perfect word in the dictionary..... the B looks like an aerial view of it, the OO is the front view of it... and the b looks like the side way view of it...(.)(.)

   Dentists are going on strike...brace yourselves

   The world did not end on the 21st. It was just rebooted. Please be sure your security software is up to date. Run a full scan of your life and remove any malicious files which may be damaging your joy, stealing your hope, or slowing down your blessings. I

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money

   My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running

   I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   The guy who invented the game "Twister" died this week.... Fitting him into his coffin took almost 30 spins. ( they put the left foot in...)

   Relationships are weird. What starts out as "You're funny and smart" eventually turns into "You think you know everything and everything is a joke to you."

   With my luck, I'll get into a terrible car accident while wearing my "period underwear."

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   The average soccer player is 5'8" and 150 lbs. That's not a professional athelete, that's a 12 y/o in America!!

   Shout out to all the deadbeat dads and sperm donors this Father's Day. Unbeknownst to you, there are kids everywhere that are becoming AMAZING PEOPLE because they want to be nothing like you.

   repairing a huge hole in my living room wall, Damn You, Kool-Aid man...

   I saw a girl with "GUESS" on her shirt. I said "fake?". she slapped me!!

   still waiting for that change.....

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.