Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money

   My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running

   I'd be the worst 911 Operator. "Uh ma'am I think you mean he was lying in a puddle of his own blood, not laying."

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   The guy who invented the game "Twister" died this week.... Fitting him into his coffin took almost 30 spins. ( they put the left foot in...)

   Relationships are weird. What starts out as "You're funny and smart" eventually turns into "You think you know everything and everything is a joke to you."

   With my luck, I'll get into a terrible car accident while wearing my "period underwear."

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   The average soccer player is 5'8" and 150 lbs. That's not a professional athelete, that's a 12 y/o in America!!

   Shout out to all the deadbeat dads and sperm donors this Father's Day. Unbeknownst to you, there are kids everywhere that are becoming AMAZING PEOPLE because they want to be nothing like you.

   repairing a huge hole in my living room wall, Damn You, Kool-Aid man...

   still waiting for that change.....

   I saw a girl with "GUESS" on her shirt. I said "fake?". she slapped me!!

   The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours.

   I'll always remember the last words my dad said to me before he passed away. "What are you doing with that gun?"

   My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... So now I sit down to pee.

   Remember guys, while your checking some other girl out, someone else is checking out your girl. Appreciate what you have, or someone else will.

   would give her right arm to be ambidextrous

   Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".