Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Swear I bet you if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single."

   People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies...

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   I don't need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   This is not a post. This is a lip-sync of a post.....

   thinks instead of coffee at work, we need to have nice warm glasses of shut the hell up

   Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

   If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

   So Clinton is barking like a dog now... how appropriate

   Can't the black folks just use the same ID they showed to get vaccinated to vote?

   Hillary: What kind of genius loses one billion dollars in one year? Answer: What kind of genius loses 6 billion dollars, 4 American Lives, A Laptop, 4 Cellphones, Three Tablets, & 33,000 emails all while serving as Secretary of State?

   I was going to dress up like Hillary this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my a**.

   I'm searching the back of this fridge for a beer like a Democrat searching for someone to hold up as a victim

   Dear God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

   I LOVE JESUS!