Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   This is not a post. This is a lip-sync of a post.....

   Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

   If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

   thinks instead of coffee at work, we need to have nice warm glasses of shut the hell up

   So Clinton is barking like a dog now... how appropriate

   Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter.

   Can't the black folks just use the same ID they showed to get vaccinated to vote?

   I'm searching the back of this fridge for a beer like a Democrat searching for someone to hold up as a victim

   Hillary: What kind of genius loses one billion dollars in one year? Answer: What kind of genius loses 6 billion dollars, 4 American Lives, A Laptop, 4 Cellphones, Three Tablets, & 33,000 emails all while serving as Secretary of State?

   I was going to dress up like Hillary this year for Halloween, but my head would'n't fit up my a**.

   Dear God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

   I LOVE JESUS!

   BREAKING NEWS: United States resumes not caring about soccer, looks forward to NFL Football in September

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

   Everybody would agree that 2009 has been a hard year for all of us.

   For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

   Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   Yes I know it's 09/09/09 I don't need 100 text messages letting me know. I have a calendar!

   Thank you Gym for being like my Grandmother...Always there for me, even though I only visit you twice a year.