Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if only my wife had smaller hands... 'IT' WOULD LOOK BIGGER!

   not FDA approved yet

   You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probally be stupid !!

   It is so cold out I just seen some chickens in line at KFC waiting in line for their turn in the deep frier.

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.

   Saw my ex girlfriend working at Subway today. She had to make me a sandwich! :-)

   90% of women don't like men in pink t-shirts... IRONICALLY.. 90% of men in pink t-shirts don't like women

   I just turned on the news and they said "The Occupiers are trying to figure out where to go to next." How about a job interview?

   Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I'll become karma.

   There are two types of women - one with perfect make-up, great hair, sexy clothing, fresh nail polish, and incredible shoes . . . and one with kids!

   You know my name, not my story. You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through. So stop judging me.

   "Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital!"

   Swear I bet you if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single."

   People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies...

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   A recent police study found that you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   I don't need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.