Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of sperm and makes women scream? The sock under my bed.

   Music is like candy. Throw away the rappers.

   Has anyone else noticed that Miley Cyrus looks an awful lot like Hannah Montana?

   I cant wait till April 7th of this year!!! "Oh thank heaven 4-7-11"

   I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken's booty and think..."I'm gonna eat that!"

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   if only my wife had smaller hands... 'IT' WOULD LOOK BIGGER!

   not FDA approved yet

   You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probally be stupid !!

   Wake and Bake, that's the only way to enjoy a Sunday.

   my girlfriend sucks........Thank God!!!

   It is so cold out I just seen some chickens in line at KFC waiting in line for their turn in the deep frier.

   I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.

   Saw my ex girlfriend working at Subway today. She had to make me a sandwich! :-)

   90% of women don't like men in pink t-shirts... IRONICALLY.. 90% of men in pink t-shirts don't like women

   I just turned on the news and they said "The Occupiers are trying to figure out where to go to next." How about a job interview?

   Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I'll become karma.

   There are two types of women - one with perfect make-up, great hair, sexy clothing, fresh nail polish, and incredible shoes . . . and one with kids!

   You know my name, not my story. You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through. So stop judging me.

   "Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital!"