Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.

   So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.

   I'll start believing porn story lines as soon as a dog jumps on the bed and licks someone's ass.

   How do you get an Irishman to climb up a roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.

   I became a scientist so I can discover new STDs and name them after ex girlfriends.

   March Madness??? Heck, I'm Crazy All Year!!!

   If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

   Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.

   Facebook needs a dismember button.

   Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.

   I wish people could listen to me when I say listening is just a waste of time

   I just realized the more I ignore people the less miserable I become.

   I had to join two belts together today. I'm not overly fat. I'm just too lazy to get up and smack the kids.

   that that tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!

   Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

   You know you're getting old when the learning curve becomes a roundabout.

   TODAY I went in to have that all important "Special" check up that all men of a certain age should have, which leads me to this question; is it normal for a proctologist to have a tip jar on the examination table?

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   By "lol" I mean I don't give a fu&k.

   I'm proof that you don't have to be famous to make stupid decisions...