Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's relationships can be ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.

   My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.

   wife doesn't understand the home improvement and beer monies come from the same budget

   The only footsteps I would follow are those of a landmine deactivation technician...

   kind of liking the new ads on Facebook!! said by no one...

   When a woman asks you to come over and hang out, it doesn't mean sex. She just wants to talk about every guy she's liked that isn't you.

   I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.

   So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.

   I'll start believing porn story lines as soon as a dog jumps on the bed and licks someone's ass.

   How do you get an Irishman to climb up a roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.

   I became a scientist so I can discover new STDs and name them after ex girlfriends.

   March Madness??? Heck, I'm Crazy All Year!!!

   If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

   Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.

   Facebook needs a dismember button.

   Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.

   I wish people could listen to me when I say listening is just a waste of time

   I just realized the more I ignore people the less miserable I become.

   I had to join two belts together today. I'm not overly fat. I'm just too lazy to get up and smack the kids.

   that that tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!