Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

   Dear media: please stop rhyming things with the word "Gate"

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love I would probably do for a six pack.

   St. Patrick's Day Tip: Remember to switch your regular toilet paper roll out with a green roll tonight...You'll thank me tomorrow.

   Everyday I see some stupid comment on a mutual friends page and I am forced to add another name to my block list. . .

   If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.

   I just bought my sanity back for $19.99 and it came with a side of hot wings..

   Pringles - The only chip company in the world, that doesn't sell air!

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.

   Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life

   If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...

   "I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.

   Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

   You're just once young but you can be a fool for the rest of your life.

   If you don't think the dog licking the floor qualifies as mopping, then we can't be friends.

   If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you give them back to Mom and Dad.

   According to this BMI chart,,, I'm too short.

   Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it's a survival thing.

   The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".