Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So... how many broken bones and broken nails have ya got on Black Friday? Are you satisfied with your brand new TV that you saved 20 bucks on?

   I finally stopped believing. Journey is going to be so pissed at me.

   If you're cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?

   Annoyed kitty, touchy kitty, grouchy ball of fur. Moody kitty, grumpy kitty, grrr, grrr, grrr....

   My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.

   What's with all these diaper companies.... I have tried three brands so far... The bag clearly says 12 to 14 pounds..... Folks I am here to tell you, not one brand held over 10 pounds before we had to change them.... Talk about a mess!!!!

   There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.

   Dear media: please stop rhyming things with the word "Gate"

   What Meatloaf wouldn't do for love I would probably do for a six pack.

   St. Patrick's Day Tip: Remember to switch your regular toilet paper roll out with a green roll tonight...You'll thank me tomorrow.

   Everyday I see some stupid comment on a mutual friends page and I am forced to add another name to my block list. . .

   If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.

   I just bought my sanity back for $19.99 and it came with a side of hot wings..

   Pringles - The only chip company in the world, that doesn't sell air!

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.

   Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life

   If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...

   "I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.

   Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.