Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I were married by a Judge. I now wish I would have asked for a Jury.

   Guys, if my hair doesn't look like a birds nest afterward, you're doing it wrong.

   there's a big difference between being handicapped and just f*ucking lazy...

   I will never understand why women are okay with being called pumpkin.

   All my updates this past weekend were super updates. I'm back to my regular updates now...

   I'm so hungry I could eat an Ikea meatball.

   Busy planning my next big move. Do I lay on couch, or chill in the recliner? I've only got one shot at this, so I gotta make it count.

   You know it's getting bad when you are shopping at wal mart and some little wise eyed kid runs up in front of you and starts yelling stranger danger at the top of her lungs. I was just lucky the lady working in lingerie knew I was there and was helping me

   Don’t tell a girl who gives bad head she’s good. You’re making her comfortable and ruining it for the rest of us.

   I used to work for a psychic, and when I quit I didn't have to give two weeks notice.

   I hope the Finding Nemo sequel Finding Dory involves child protective services because this is getting ridiculous.

   I'm planning a romantic evening...I'm taking my liver to Happy Hour tonight.

   Being single sucks. The only thing I get to do is whatever I want.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, but there is Xbox.

   You like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Thus, this intervention.

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions

   Imagine someone trying to assassinate Trump and the secret service having to yell ,Donald Duck

   There is a fat black lady who looks like Beyoncé on TV

   Where are all the peaceful Musl/Ms marching against terrorism?

   Now that Steven Hawking is gone, who will do the emergency alert broadcasts on the radio?