Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   American Idol would be more exciting if there was a trap door contestants fell through immediately upon hearing the news of being sent home

   ever felt you are just one good sh*t away from the perfect tummy??

   I like my women like I like my beer.... gone when I'm finished!

   Hey Prince William, I'mma let you finish and all, but we had the most historic event OF ALL TIME.

   Wife : How I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day.. Husband : Same here, I wish that you were a newspaper too so I could have a new one everyday!

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   We all know who we should blame for the war in Libya... Doc why did you steal the plutonium you mad man!!! >_<

   The riots in Vancouver have taught this American a valuable lesson. That Canada is in fact a real place, and apparently flammable.

   asks...the difference between my boss and the pope? The pope only expects me to kiss his ring

   Considering the millions of people using Facebook... someone somewhere must be typing the same word at the same time as I am... so... JINX!

   When problems are many, friends are few and spectators are plenty.

   That moment of panic when after talking to someone on your cell phone you go on to badmouth them only to realise you forgot to hang up.

   Dear God, Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn't got any. Love, Paul XXX

   I heard dogs can detect cancer in humans. I think they can also detect STDs because they always sniff my junk, I mean my friend's junk.

   I miss the bottle rocket wars we use to have as a kid...Oh and too my boy "One Eyed Willy" thank you for taking one for the team all those years ago...What you lack in depth perception you make up with heart...

   I'm convinced that you could start a fire with the insides of a just nuked Hot Pocket.

   When my phone falls, I panic. When my friend falls, I laugh my a$$ off.

   New Life goal, make it to the bottom of my chapstick before  I lose it.

   the difference between OooooH & AaaaaaH is About three inches......

   A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.