Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The walk of shame at the store when you have to put something back because you cant afford it.

   i got addicted to nicotine gum..now I smoke trying to kick the habbit...

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now & then...

   Valentines Day is almost here! I still can't find my handcuffs and whip!!

   I was grateful for the fact that Facebook now groups similar posts (i.e. "10 of your friends posted about Valentine's Day"), so I can just skip past them. Unfortunately, I have friends that can't spell 'Valentine'. LOL

   In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty. In a relationship you're guilty until proven innocent.

   Went to Wal-Mart in my painting clothes today....still the best dressed person in there.

   Just imagine how fast church would go if Busta Rhymes was the preacher

   The leading cause of depression is reality.

   Don't take life too seriously. Sometimes you have to learn to laugh at yourself. If not call me, I'll be glad to laugh at you :D

   There's a good chance you don't like me. But an even better chance I don't care.

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   Yo Instagram, I'mma let you finish, but Polaroid took some of the best pictures of all time.

   If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct

   When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played at my funeral... just as my coffin is being lowered into the ground.

   Nothing makes you look younger than an old photo.

   Look, I only want what's best for me.

   I have a feeling that this Philip Philips guy is going to be huge if he can just figure out a way to get one more Philip into his name

   I hate long distance relationships , the fridge is so far from my bed

   I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.