Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't hold grudges or plot for revenge, I will simply send a bunch of Jehovah's witnesses to your door...on a daily basis.

   You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.

   Some hot girl just winked at me with both eyes at the same time. It means she finds me twice as attractive right guys?

   how many cupcakes have to die before all these cupcake wars end??

   Father's Day; the most confusing day in a trailer park where chances are your father might also be your older brother.

   Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.

   So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right?

   I really don't mind getting up and going to work every day. It's the part about staying there for 8 hours that I have a problem with.

   Listen here, people trying to figure out a "healthy snack" to give to trick or treaters. You cut that s*** out *right* now.

   only giving out chocolate covered caramel to trick or treaters cause that's how I "Rolo".

   Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...

   I count breathing as exercise.

   Women are motivated when they feelloved,Adored,Cherished...Men are simple. They are motivated when they feel....Women!

   I hate people who tell me to calm down when I am not even pi$$ed.

   Since the commercial, I've always wanted to jump on a Tempur-pedic bed with a glass full of wine.

   Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall.

   My mom still hasn't gotten her Mother's Day card, the post office wasn't lying when they sold me the "forever" stamp.

   How the hell you got over 12,000 tweets, with only 15 followers? Who the hell you talking to?