Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order

   Sweet, it's snowing again. I can hardly wait to read 500 status updates on my news feed about it

   Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   Well maybe if you didn't have dem ( . )( . ) poppin out your turtleneck we wouldn't have this Eye-Contact problem....

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   My ex asked the stupidest questions, like if you could be any vegtable what would you be, so I replied a 14 inch cucumber in a womens prison. she failed to see the irony, bless her lil vegan bleeding heart!

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ( MONDAY )

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I have way more eye contact with my computer screen than I do with any humans.

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   Happy Father's Day to all the dads...and whoever's raising T.O.'s kids.

   So, my question has five parts. -Annoying person at a Q&A

   I made a big mistake on my first night in prison. Apparently "I'll toss you for the top bunk" means something different on the inside.

   If Magic Mike isn't a movie about Magic Johnson and Mike Tyson having 'tickle fights' I'm going to be pissed.

   There is nothing worse than when the car in front of you stops at a yellow light and you have to get home to take a dump.

   I did this weird thing once where I almost left the house happy.

   The 3 scariest words your girlfriend can ever say to you... "notice anything different?"