Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops. 

   If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order

   Sweet, it's snowing again. I can hardly wait to read 500 status updates on my news feed about it

   Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   Well maybe if you didn't have dem ( . )( . ) poppin out your turtleneck we wouldn't have this Eye-Contact problem....

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   My ex asked the stupidest questions, like if you could be any vegtable what would you be, so I replied a 14 inch cucumber in a womens prison. she failed to see the irony, bless her lil vegan bleeding heart!

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. ( MONDAY )

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I have way more eye contact with my computer screen than I do with any humans.

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   Happy Father's Day to all the dads...and whoever's raising T.O.'s kids.

   So, my question has five parts. -Annoying person at a Q&A

   I made a big mistake on my first night in prison. Apparently "I'll toss you for the top bunk" means something different on the inside.