Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?

   ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pkg of gum?

   I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food.

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk

   You were a lot more attractive before you posted pictures of your boyfriend.

   I swear 2012 lasted for like 3 months.

   this the best we can do? We need to put some humor back on everyones faces, C'mon dig down deep people...

   Even WITH a paddle, I still wouldn't go to sh*t creek.

   It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.

   A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS.... Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.

   The single ladies and cats joke below is proof that B EGO is the a d m I n and steals stuff we p 0st and claim it as his own.

   To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."

   I'm so fat, if I were convicted and sentenced to death, I'd get the Electric Couch.

   RIP Andy Williams. Cross the pearly gates in style...

   Rumor is Andy Reid is going to coach in KC after mistaking them for KFC......

   Look, I'm not saying you’re gay,, I'm saying I've never seen you and gay in the same room at once...

   Having hemorrhoids isn't so bad. All of the itching gives you something to do with your hands when you quit smoking ツ

   Sometimes its better to remain silent because you are tired of explaining yourself over and over again to the same dumbass person.

   I am just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

   i deserve an alcoholiday