Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If facebook showed how many times I visited your profile, I'm dead. 

   Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span. Therefore, I am immortal.

   Helpless romantic seeks filthy wh@re.

   It doesn't matter how old you are, if a balloon is about to hit the floor, you dive for that s**t!

   Just Googled camel toe, and it said, did you mean Travolta Chin?

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.

   They say money doesn't buy happiness but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari

   Ladies: Being attractive isn't a free pass to act like a witch.

   HER: "My feelings for you changed soon as you called me a b!tch" ME: "My feelings for you changed soon as you started being one"

   My Optometrist told me in 8 years I'd have 2020 vision.

   It's national cleavage day. Let's honor this holiday ladies.....

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.

   On page 176 of the book karma sutra, apparently I now need a partner..

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been damn hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea and you’re here watching sheep.”

   Did you ever notice that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML?

   The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

   I want to be flabbergasted by something other than ignorance.

   My ship has sailed, now I am waiting for the UFO.

   Just ate my toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach places.