Funny Status Messages

   Satan came to me in a dream and asked if I was afraid. I said, "Hell no, I married your sister, didn't I?"

   You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."

   How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

   Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You.

   We would have discovered the cure for cancer by now if we rewarded, recognized and respected our scientists just as much as we do our sportsmen and celebrities.

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.

   Chuck-E-Cheese, because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling...

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   I put bubble wrap under my mattress during sex. It sounds like fireworks. Makes for much more festive mood

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…

   What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes,

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   it's ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."