Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life would be better if squirrels liked sitting on our shoulders. You can’t be sad with a cool squirrel friend on your shoulder.

   If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'

   She wore a raspberry beret, but NOT the kind you find in a secondhand store,, (cuz those will give you head lice.)

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but cake is always nice.

   Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!

   I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.

   At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

   Don't shoot the messenger. Unless his message is that he's going to stab you next week.

   Never fall for those get rich quick schemes. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

   just read the thermometer and it read "stay in the house" ..

   I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.

   Not sure what's harder to believe the Canucks losing a game they invented, or that Honda thinks Zombies will help sell cars

   Life is tough; it's even tougher when you're stupid.~~John Wayne

   Wonderbra: So named because once you get it off her, you wonder where the boobs went.

   I LOVE my new x rated -GPS "Ahhh right there! Yes! Yes! Right there! Don't stop!!"

   NEVER take fashion advice from someone who wears CROCS!!!

   Boy: "How can I prove that I love you?" Girl: "Stop playing video games”.....Boy: "Get the fu*k out"

   Man: I dont have a condom Girl: Its fine I am ready to be a mom Man: Oh sh*t wait, never mind I found one

   I'll be completely honest with you... sometimes I shower naked.